Only one team got the trophy. The other eleven still gave us hot flashes, a ridiculous
week, or at least one number worth remembering—or forgetting, depending on who you are.
Humongous Melonheads
Oracle average #3.0
Final rank #1
Well, that escalated quickly (over the course of 184 days)
+64 points
Opening day: tenth place and 47 points. Closing day: first place and 111. Nobody made
up more ground. Back in Week 3, we said this
was one team you could count on to be around in September. By August, the Melonheads
had a rent-controlled lease in the penthouse.
Seam heads
Oracle average #4.1
Final rank #2
The team everyone chased
74 days in first
The 2025 champion spent more days in first than anyone else but ultimately fell short
of repeating. Still came in second—I mean tied for second, but we’ll call it second.
They set the pace and still ran out of runway before the repeat.
Rollie Fingers
Oracle average #1.3
Final rank #3
Always in the picture
176 top-three days
For nearly the entire season, you could find Rollie's Fingers somewhere in the top
three. This is the consistency you can most certainly expect in 2027, or 2028, whenever
baseball is played again.
Philbell
Oracle average #4.7
Final rank #4
The Formal Inquiry
+26 in April
No team had a better April. Twelve top-100 players and a fourth-place finish made the
late-season roster loaded enough to validate the preseason hype—and made that finish
grounds for the investigation promised in Week 1.
Mar 31 – Apr 30
Vin Mazzaro fan club
Oracle average #6.7
Final rank #5
Last place didn’t last
12th → 5th
Take notes, Mommy: first-year owner Caleb took his team from 12th in early April to
fifth at the finish, picking up 31.5 points from its low.
Pat
Oracle average #11.1
Final rank #6
Beat the Machine
+29 in 7 days
Pat went from 11th to fifth in a week, the biggest seven-day points gain of the
season. The Oracle thought No. 10; Pat said, “Hold my baby’s bottle while I go make
some moves.” No one finished higher relative to their Oracle average. The $500 reader
bounty for prior posts remained unclaimed. So-called “Pat” is the reason I stopped
posting.
Mar 30 – Apr 6
John Henry Fan Club
Oracle average #1.9
Final rank #7
Death Star, Museum Hours
10th → 3rd
A one-week jump from tenth to third, matching Trazadone for the year’s biggest climb
in the standings. Maybe the operational Death Star we spoke so much about in April was
just the friends we made along the way? Or maybe it was a Death Star, but all
its employees got deported. One of the league’s richest rosters doesn’t mean much if
no one is in the control room. Maybe next year.
Mar 29 – Apr 5
Millville Meteors
Oracle average #8.0
Final rank #8
They lived up to the name
11th → 3rd overnight
The Millville Mids briefly became a meteor: one day, eight places, 31 points. It was
the sharpest single-day jump the league saw all year. Things are looking brighter,
though. With an eight-prospect-and-pick trade at the deadline, this metaphorical
meteor may have a chance to become a literal comet in 2027.
Mar 27 – Mar 28
Sam
Oracle average #10.4
Final rank #9
Stars and duds
17 players outside the top 1,000
In Week 7, Juan Soto, Julio Rodríguez, Bryce
Harper, and Yoshinobu Yamamoto shared a roster with 17 players ranked outside the
Oracle’s top 1,000. What.
Trazadone
Oracle average #8.8
Final rank #10
Never a dull line
68 places traveled
No team moved around the standings more. The offense remained a podcast at 0.75
speed, but the team traveled 68 standings places. Kind of like the worst-performing
sleeping pill: it only puts your legs to sleep.
Jonesin'
Oracle average #6.6
Final rank #11
Biggest Model Miss
+7.5 in September
Changed the name, kept the league-worst ERA. Jonesin’ saved its best month for last,
gaining more points in September than anyone else. The Oracle had this team pegged
for sixth, but the final standings told a different story. The team’s 11th-place
finish was the biggest gap between Oracle expectation and actual result.
Aug 31 – Sep 27
Mommy
Oracle average #11.4
Final rank #12
The Empty Nest
3 straight improving months
Not a good season. Not a good result. Not a good owner. June, July, and August all
ended ahead of where they began: a seven-point summer recovery. This was the league’s
smallest and oldest roster. Not a winning formula.
May 31 – Aug 31
